Adults and Kids: Stop Being Stupid. The “Gonna-Be” Posts Are Going To Get You: Robbed, Kidnapped, Assaulted

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If you’ve seen any of my live or online Internet Safety for Families presentations, you already know that I tend to lose my mind a little when talking about the “Gonna Be” posts. This is not a technical term, just an off-hand comment which stuck. Feel free to bandy it about at cocktail parties…

“Gonna-Be” posting quite simply is where you tell the entire world where you are GOING TO BE (and also where you currently are). Think about it for a moment. In your eternal zeal to make the rest of us on Facebook jealous about your trip to Thailand (and believe me, I hate you for it) you post the following:

  • OOOOO just made reservations for our “around the world” trip beginning in Thailand #jealous? We leave in 10 days
  • Five days left for Thailand and I’m not sure….flip flops? wedges? BOTH!!  #jealous? 
  • Today’s the day! Airport limo just pulled up…WOOT WOOT #jealous?
  • Betty Smith just checked in at JFK Airport Gate 25
  • Got my Thai-on – here’s a photo of my feet to prove it because I’m really really insecure and need to prove it #jealous?

Good golly – do you all realize that the scenario above is played out ad nauseum by adults *and* kids on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram?

Why are “Gonna-Be” Posts Dangerous?

I’m consistently surprised by the surprised faces and reactions to this subject. Tweens and teens “gonna be” post all the time about sporting events, social events, and pretty much every aspect of their lives; on platforms which are asynchronous (asynchronous platforms do not require an agreement to connect – anyone can follow you) which means anyone and everyone might be listening.

Vacation “gonna bes” reveal way too much information:

  • Give potential robbers a timeline (10 days left, 5 days left, check-in at the airport)
  • Give potential robbers an idea of what you might own based on what sort of vacation you’re taking
  • May alert potential sexual predators to the fact that your children are with a sitter (ie “can’t wait for our 2nd honeymoon without the rugrats – YAY”)
  • Lets neighborhood kids know that your house will be empty – which is of course, the perfect place for a party. But don’t worry you’ll get to see all of the photos of the wreckage  posted online after the fact.

Kid’s “gonna be” posts are unsafe for far more sinister reasons:

  • Photo gonna-bes generally show your sons and daughters getting dressed for an event – I now know what you look like and how you’re dressed
  • Depending on the social media platform – the Exif metadata is reserved on the photo your child has just put up, which provides the exact latitude and longitude of where the photo was taken. Great information for a predator, especially if the location is the child’s: home, school, best friend’s house, or soccer field
  • Your children give explicit details: time of the game, name of the opponent, their jersey number, and a link to the location of the field. If someone wants to do your child harm – they have been provided with a literal road map.
  • Your children ask for a ride home on social media: “I’m stuck at field 6 someone come get me”. Seriously?
  • Cyberbullies (aka classmates) now know precisely where your child will be, providing another opportunity for IRL (in real life) harassment.

Killjoy Revisited

You don’t have to stop posting photos or attempting to engender jealousy and hatred among your online “friends” – just do it after the fact:

  • post the quintessential vacation photo of your feet when you come home
  • give the score of the soccer game after it’s over
  • regale us with the finer points of that confusing Thai phrase where you meant to say ‘Thank you I’m done” but really said “Please eat my elephant feet” (giggle giggle barf barf)

Bottom Line

You cannot answer for every single Facebook friend, Twitter/Instagram follower you have. Most kids have no idea who 30% of those followers are. As parents we need to lead by example. If your children see you creating “gonna be” posts, then they will too.

Parents: take advantage of this teachable moment and explain to your kids just why you are NOT going to post that selfie. Unless of course you aren’t really emotionally attached to that expensive wide-screen television waiting back in your living room or, for that matter, your peace of mind.

In which case, rock on doofus.

A Cleveland Teen is Murdered After a Facebook Argument – aka Internet Safety Basics: DON’T Feed the Trolls

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Cyberbullying - Internet Safety for Families - online courseHave you heard the term: “Don’t feed the trolls”? Trolls are online bullies who generally show themselves in the comments section of a website or blog. But they can just as easily be found within your own social media profiles.  In fact, younger users of social media may have a large percentage of trolls within their own “friends” and “followers”.

In a Cleveland, Ohio suburb a mother is mourning the loss of her teenage son. He was stabbed to death right outside his home after a feud over a girl which the mother says escalated via Facebook. The suspected murderer made specific threats on Facebook that he was “coming to get” the young man.

If what this mother says turns out to be true, then this is a case which involves cyberbullying. The interesting aspect is the chosen platform – Facebook. Facebook’s connection structure is synchronous. This means that in order for you and I to be “friends” on Facebook we have to agree. You send me a “friend request” and I agree. If we do not agree, there is no connection.

Very often I’m asked what parents should do when cyberbullying arrives in their lives. Using this heartbreaking situation as an example:

  1. Your children should only ‘friend’ those people who mom/dad know IRL (in real life) 
    If YOU do not know the “friend”, remove the connection
  2. Explain to your children the risks of TMI (too much information) 
    You give potential trolls ammunition to use against you (examples: problems at home, issues with school, illnesses, family deaths, personally identifying data, etc)
  3. If the cyberbullying is obvious and targeted – DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS
    Tell your children to NOT answer back when threats are made – they should tell an adult and step away
  4. BLOCK the cyberbully from your profile if possible
    Some social media platforms do not make “blocking possible” -but Facebook does
  5. Your child should take a break from social media for a significant amount of time – a week or two
  6. Report threats to local police and the school where appropriate

I have no idea if these tips would have helped this child, and I don’t know this family personally. All I know is that a child is dead and another one will likely spend a very, very long time in jail (which is appropriate). This tragedy might very well have occurred anyhow outside of the realm of social. In this particular case Facebook seems to have been a vehicle for communication of a threat and a continued festering of anger and cyberbullying.

Parents: have these conversations with your children so that they will recognize a threat when they see it or hear it.

 

Entire High School Football Team Gets Suspended Because of Cyberbullying on Ask.fm

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Union High School Football Coach Suspends His Entire Team For Cyberbullying on Ask.fmIt’s not often that I offer a big “WELL DONE” to high school or college athletics in connection with a story about bullying of any kind. This might be the first time….hopefully not the last….

Matt Labrum, the head football coach at Union High School in Roosevelt, Utah found out that a non-football player at his school was being bullied via the (very popular among tweens and teens) social media site Ask.fm.

For those of you who might not have heard, Ask.fm has been in the news many times in connection with cyberbullying and teen suicides. ASk.fm has been linked to the suicides of four teens in the UK and one in the United States.

The premise of Ask.fm is quite simple. Here is a sample scenario.

  1. A user creates a profile (most kids use their real names and location – which is dumb, obviously)
    For this example we’ll call her Sally Smith from Topeka Kansas
  2. Another user can ask the first user any question at all anonymously
    Another user we’ll call Jenny Jones from Topeka Kansas
  3. Jenny goes onto Sally’s Ask.Fm page and posts a question – questions like the following are extremely common on Ask.fm
    * Why are you such a whore?
    * Why don’t you kill yourself?
    * Do your parents hate you as much as everyone else?
  4. Sally does not know who is posting the question

The real danger of Ask.fm is in the anonymity of its structure. You never really quite know who is posting the question, and therein lies the problem. Tweens and teens feel free to post whatever they like, safe in the knowledge that there will never be any consequences. Or so it would seem.

NOTE: Ask.fm is a really really bad idea for tweens and teens

In the Union High School example, once the head football coach found out that a non-football player was being bullied on Ask.fm he suspended the entire team. All 80 players on the team were forced to turn in all of their equipment and do a week’s worth of community service instead of practicing before a big game at the end of the week.

Yes the suspension only lasted one week, and yes they never missed a game. HOWEVER, I appreciate this coach for making it clear to these young men that bullying behavior would not be tolerated on his team.

This is really the bigger point:

Your children listen very closely when you make their lives stop on a dime. Monitor what they are doing online – learn what to look for. Then deliver the consequences…loudly and consistently.

I promise that it will make a difference.

Internet Safety for Parents: Being proactive is the only defense for your tweens, teens, and family

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Internet Safety Class for ParentsI’ve been teaching Internet Safety for almost 10 years now.

In the beginning (when the dinosaurs roamed) the big issues came as a result of the unchecked activity on AOL chat rooms.  Chat rooms have always been fertile ground for would-be child sex predators.

We send our children off to their bedrooms with wi-fi and a laptop, tablet, or phone and consider them safe. They’re in their jammies after all.

What could *possibly* go wrong with handing a pubescent (or younger) child with a device which enables them unrestricted access to a global community of strangers and constant requests for their personal information?

The level of sophistication of social media platforms, multimedia devices (tablets and laptops), gaming systems (XBox Live), and of course telephones make connecting to anyone and everyone as easy as pushing a button.

Your single and only chance to protect yourself and your children is to become educated. New apps and social media platforms spring up literally daily and we have to keep up. 

Over the years I have taught large groups (a few hundred at a time), and I’ve been asked by families to come do a “house visit” and reason with a child showing the beginning of at-risk behavior. I can put everything I’ve observed into two separate buckets:

  • Trust but verify
    Please spare me the “I have a good kid” speech. I’m sure you do. Congratulations. You must be very proud. In the meantime, assume he’s guilty and cross-examine him like he knows where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.     Because I can pretty much guarantee that given the right circumstances he is not beyond taking a picture of his junk and texting it. Seriously.
  • Know the answer to your question before you ask it
    Don’t ask your daughter if she’s using SnapChat. Snoop through her IPhone, confirm she’s using SnapChat, and THEN ask her if she’s using it. If her answer doesn’t perfectly match the intelligence you gathered, we have a problem. But to achieve this step you *must get educated*

Being one step ahead is the only shot we collectively have of coming out the other end of this mine field alive.  Education is the only option – I know it’s time consuming and you might not be a techy person and (waaa waaa waaa) it’s just so hard, but it is what it is.

The train is coming whether we like it or not. You can get run over, let it roll past you, or hop on board. Oh, and by the way – your kids are on the train…but they didn’t notice you standing there because they were texting at the time.

Get on board people!